I don't usually arrange sex via text message
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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