You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
