Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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