I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
