we have officially lost it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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