i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
