so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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