Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
