I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
