if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
