Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
