I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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