nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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