im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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