Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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