Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
