the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
