had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
