I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
