Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
