What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Two words: nipple clamps
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