i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize