Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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