He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
