i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
