Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
