he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
