I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
