I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
