if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
