I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
