and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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