Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
