I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
