it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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