Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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