he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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