Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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