When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize