Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
