i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you win again, gameday.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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