i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
