I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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