I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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