i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
