College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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