Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
