Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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