i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
