just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
