rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
