i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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