My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize