i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
In America we eat man semen.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
