Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize