I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
