Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
