The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Too much gin, very little bucket
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
