I accidentally had phone sex last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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