Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize