As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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