I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My orgasm happened in two different decades
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
